I’ve always considered myself a pretty vulnerable person. I like to tell people that I’m an open book, and that what you see is what you get. I’ve talked to people often who say that they have a hard time opening up, being real with people, and while I hear what they are saying, I’ve always prided myself in the way I will tell anyone anything.
That is, until recently.
For awhile now, I’ve been having a hard time moving forward in things. My jobs, my family, my dreams – I have so many things that I want to do, to implement, and yet I’ve been trying to figure out what it is that is holding me back. And just today I came to the realization that it’s Me. I’m holding myself back. I’m pretty much debilitated by my insecurity.
This is something I thought I had conquered. When I tell people my story, it’s part of who I was, but surely not anymore. It was who I was growing up as everyone was “cooler” than me and for sure the Upper Classman had it all together. It was who I was in college when it kept me from going deeper with someone who is now basically my sister*. It was who I was 11 years ago as a newlywed who spent her Saturdays home alone in tears, while her husband was out with friends because I was too insecure to put myself out there and call someone.
Putting myself out there. I think there is a theme here.
I’ve always played it safe. Maybe it doesn’t look like it from the outside, but it’s the truth. I’ve learned how to be vulnerable in certain situations. I think in some ways, I’ve conquered the insecurity of putting myself out there with people. I love meeting new people. I’m not shy to assert myself and make a new friend. Morocco taught me how to do that. (It also taught me that it’s ok to make a fool out of yourself!) If I learned nothing else, it was that putting myself out there when it comes to relationships is always worth it.
But, making dreams happen vulnerability is a very different thing. And I’m learning that I lack a significant amount of confidence in the area of making things happen.
There are big questions constantly floating around in my brain: What if I fail? What if someone does it better? What if everyone thinks it’s stupid? or really, What if everyone thinks I’m stupid?
These are the walls that keep me from moving forward. And to be honest, I’m really in love with my comfort level of vulnerability. I’m a super control freak who loves to be able to control exactly what people think of me. I’m not sure that’s even possible, but I’ve convinced myself it is. And while I didn’t even know there were comfort levels of vulnerability, Jesus is reminding me that there are, and He is interested in removing that from me. (I’m feeling a little bit like a 5 year child whose parent is taking their pacifier away because forgoodnesssake they DO NOT need it anymore.)
So, I write all of this in the spirit of vulnerability. And in the spirit of beginning to Put Myself Out There and not play it safe.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?? How did you start to move forward??
*(Side note: I’m not sure this person ever knew how debilitated I was by my insecurity of how amazing she was – and still is. I’m sure you are laughing as you read this. 🙂 )